


Cope: Partings of Sweet Sorrow

by MysticAssassin



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: 2AM musings, Canon Universe, Gen, Introspection, Late Night Writing, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Yullen Week 2019, after Alma arc, cope, yullentide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22334782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticAssassin/pseuds/MysticAssassin
Summary: Allen remembers the pain of goodbyes, seen it with his own eyes. But he holds his memories close to his heart so that he never forgets.
Relationships: Kanda Yuu & Allen Walker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	Cope: Partings of Sweet Sorrow

After the entire debacle with Alma and the Order had come to light, Allen knew there was no going back to any false pretences of normalcy. He'd known even before that things were changing and that he would have to make decisions about where he stood. It was Alma's predicament that forced his hand faster than he'd expected. Rather...Kanda did.

Allen always knew he was good in poker. He mastered it, prided himself on the fact. He had to for a living. But when the cards were dealt in the game of the Order and Noah- Alma as a trump card, Allen knew there was nothing else to do.

He'd gotten the insight, he'd known all about the players- Kanda's mind was to thank for that. Allen always thought his only opponent was a clear one- the Earl and the Noah. Dark matter- a threat against Innocence. But he was suddenly privy to the information that the Order weren't as free from guilt as they had liked to portray.

How easily had they grabbed on and so resolutely controlled Kanda's life. Alma's. The two could not even be freed by death, they were forced back to life in a game they no longer wished to play.

Months and years by Kanda's side finally made sense to Allen. Kanda's unyielding anger and resentment that burned even when small rays of light shone through in helping his friends. Kanda's heart was more guarded than the most impregnable fortress because, as Allen now knew, he had seen a lifetime of horrors. He'd had to destroy the very thing he loved with his own two hands.

Painful. Agonising. Allen could spend a day with words to describe the thought and would still fall short of one adequate enough.

He knew though. At least he would. Once, before Cross had disappeared, he had spoken those very words to Allen. Told him that one day he would have to kill the one he loved. It was nothing short of prophetic, and Allen fled to escape it. So he could avoid it, because his heart bled for Kanda, and through his mind knew that pain. He didn't want it. And he didn't want Kanda to suffer it anymore.

Allen didn't want Kanda bound, twice over, in a facility designed to use him as a weapon for their own greed. He didn't want Kanda to have to relive those pains. And so Allen freed him.

Allen finally gave Kanda and Alma the peace they deserved. He unshackled the binds that bound them to a cruel fate. They were meant to have their rest, no more struggle, no more duty- the cycle broken.

But he forgot, for an instant that it was Kanda who he had tried to save. Kanda, a beautiful doll of a human that stung and bit into the skin sharper than even the sharpest thorn. Kanda who had cursed him during one of their first missions because Allen had worried and used his exorcist coat and fashioned it as a pillow.

Kanda, who had so completely lost himself willing to put an end to Alma again because he saw no other way out.

Allen had missed him then, his heart breaking into pieces as he was gifted with an angelic smile that he could scarcely believe to be Kanda's. He felt that insurmountable heaviness, yet the lightness of a feather whilst Kanda had given him his thanks. Allen had felt an aching sadness, grieving the loss of someone so dear. Yet, there was bittersweet in giving that person freedom at last.

But when had Kanda simply allowed someone to help without paying back, as if he had an allergy to debt?

Allen sighed, a small smile- one of the rare genuine ones- playing on his lips as he looked down.

"What the hell are you laughing at, beansprout?" Kanda looked up at him from where he sat at the table in a little hole in the wall that they had hidden in.

Of course, beyond all odds and practicalities of life, Kanda had come back. To Allen. As some sort of angel of death. He would ferry Allen around, always just a step behind until Allen could no longer go on. Then he would give Allen the peace and freedom that Allen had once given him. Wouldn't he?

"I just thought of something I'd heard some time ago." Allen's voice was far away, wistful, thinking of times long passed.

He lifted his eyes to Kanda and saw him staring back, a tiny frown on his lips, but he couldn't hide the expectancy of wanting to know.

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation." Allen quotated the words as if they were imprinted behind his eyelids, there to recall every time he blinked.

"What the hell is that?" Kanda inquired, his words never really held that hard edge they used to. Maybe it was that Allen could no longer hear it after all they had been through.

"Ah. It's a quote from this man named Rumi. I'd heard it during my travels through the Middle East."

Allen felt a twinge in his chest at his recollection- of his travels with Cross. He wondered if he even still had a heart, or if the organ had been replaced with all the memories of those that he could no longer see. Each memory nestling, finding a space in his heart that he could draw on whenever he needed.

Kanda had once been stored there so firmly that Allen, if he thought on it, was shocked at how important a piece he was in his life. But for now, Kanda chose to be seen, and heard. There weren't any goodbyes just yet. Allen knew they would come again. And he knew that when that time came, Kanda already held a place in his heart, and he would never forget him. But until then, Allen just looked at Kanda unabashed making sure every detail of him was remembered. Remember the feeling of having someone who followed him, who would save him, and bring him peace. His beautiful angel of death.


End file.
